Friendship.
I don’t know about you but I find a lot of people throw the word ‘friend’
around. After a night of talking and drinking together you become ‘best mates’.
You both know neither of you have even touched the iceberg. What you’ve told,
what you’ve heard you know its something, but its nothing. But you go with it,
you say, this is my new best friend. I am not going to sit here and pretend
like I don’t get that its just a word but I guess what’s interesting is that
very few, if any, would do the same with the word ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’.
Now I sure you’re thinking “well of course not, that’s different,” and your
right, it is, very different. But I guess that’s the sad truth. People,
Friends, Humans, even though some of us don’t like to admit it. When it comes
down to it we put our partners or potential partners above our friends.
Maybe I am
crazy for even thinking this. But I have my reasons. Today is May 16. Eight
years ago my best friend died. To use the word best friend doesn’t seem fair,
because when he died, he didn’t just die and leave. A huge piece of me died
with him. I looked up to him; he was like my older brother. We would speak on
the phone for on average 4 hours a night. We did everything together and never
got bored. And when I lost that connection, it took me a really long time to
realise, and accept that that hole, that that hole he left, is never going to
completely go away. It’s never going to be filled. Not to say I didn’t try.
As stupid
as it may sound I tried to replace him. No, not him, but that connection. And
as you could aspect those people run a mile. Giving me a complex of being constantly left or abandoned by anyone I get
close to – but that’s another subject.
Years on
and I’m different. I read a piece of work I did 7 months after Daniel died. And
I recognised some of the feelings but I am not defined by them anymore. And I
think that that, shows progress, *smile*. A lot of youngster loose people close
to them. You’re just lucky if you haven’t. Whether it be a friend, a partner, a
child, a parent, a sibling, a pet. Its loss, you mourn. A piece of you will
always stay broken. It just takes time to realise you can live life a little
broken. At least that’s what I think. Its unfortunate, but we rank
relationships. And in a way, told how you should feel depended on the one you
lost. I never had a pet. I been told a dog, a cat is like a member of the
family. I’m not saying that we should go around comparing animals dying to
children dying. But I think we should recognise that pain is pain, lost is
lost; emptiness is emptiness.
Why do I
say this? My sister questioned whether Daniel was my boyfriend. If he had of
been, it would justify why I was so sad, according to her. Did some people
think I was making a mountain over a molehill? I think so. Four months after
Daniel died, a friend of friends’ boyfriend died. Was she treated different? Were
people more accepting of her sadness? Did they empathies more? To completely
honest, I don’t know. I wasn’t paying a lot of attention to other people. I was
busy mourning to notice if they did. But I do think about it now. And I think
they probably did. Maybe I am crazy. But there is was this one time which I
think proves my point. Now I am notoriously known for my strong dislike towards
couples. I won’t bore you with the details why, but your friends coupling off
and being replaced by the ‘boyfriend’ can make a man very bitter. Anyhow I was
at the pub with some friends and a new person, complaining about couples and
the guy ask why I hated couples? My deeply regretted answer, “my boyfriend died
of cancer when I was 15.” His face, God I remember it so clearly. It was
different. So different. It was, like wow, shit. Really. I’m sorry. Even so it
wasn’t worth it though. The friend of the friend, that did loose the boyfriend.
We became very good friends. In fact it took several years and a lot of back
and forthing but she’s my best friend too. So you can image how cheap I felt
and I am really sorry for doing that. But you know what’s worst. I don’t think
it wrong. We put romantic relationships above friendships for a reason, and I
get why. We can say one its not higher than the other, they’re just different.
But when it comes down to it, in burning building? Which one of are you going
to save. Spouse or friend?
Why is it
so hard for people to just admit it? We dream of a perfect partner. A lot of people
say they want to fall in love with there best friend. Turning a friendship into
a relationship has big risk because it also has a big pay out. A friend, isn’t
it just a romantic relationship without the sex? So add the sex, an act that
brings people even closer. Why wouldn’t you put that on top? You have ice
cream. Then someone’s offering ice cream with sprinkles and whip cream and a
cherry on top. Assuming you like any of those things you are probably going to
pick the second. In fairness you are going to get sick of having whip cream,
and sprinkles, so some days may just have the ice cream. And some people prefer
to spend more of their time eating ice cream. But they still go out looking for
whip cream. Does anyone think just ice cream is enough? My answer, no.
But at 15,
for me, it was. And that’s why it was hard. Even now, I’m still sad, but it’s
strange I’m not sad that he was taken, I’m sad that he’s gone. You have those
friends that you’ve known since school. It doesn’t really mean much. Not until
you can’t say it anymore. I mean I get curious, would he like the friends I
have now? As a youngster he was really in to Buffy. Would he watch True Blood
now? Would we have much in common? Would we still be friends? It’s the endless
possibilities that I find myself morning sometimes. Questions I will never know
the answers to.
Even though
I know when people die we put them on pedestals, I know mine and Daniel’s friendship
wasn’t perfect and I know that it had less complications because we were so
young and I was yet to be issuefied. But even so, he was the first person to
except me for who I was, every single crazy quirk, bad joke, disgusting habit
and kind gesture. You were my soul mate. So for that dude I want to say thank
you. I love you and will always miss you. I hope the angels are treating you
well. But don’t forget, no one can replace the fun we had.
Dedicated to my best friend Daniel
Forever remembered
Forever loved
Forever friends
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